Saturday, February 28, 2009
COUNTING ON IT......
Well it's Sat. afternoon and Jeff had a wedding he was in clear up in Ventura so I am sitting here by myself. I "maybe" would have gone to the wedding except... 1) My back is STILL bothering me quite a bit and so therefore a long car drive seemed like a nightmare for sure. 2) I truly had nothing to wear and couldn't bear the thought of buying an outfit to go to a wedding when I would probably never wear it again. I could think of a dozen different ways I'd rather spend my money (if I had any to spend) 3) I knew ABSOLUTELY no one meaning I would have been sitting there like a dork while Jeff was in the wedding. Soooo I chose not to attend...I'm sure this was all quite interesting. haha ANYWAY, Jeff was suppose to be home 20 min ago and mom and Joe should be here in a half hour. They are coming over to "hang out" and play our beloved "Hand and Foot" card game. Mom and I soo kicked their butts last time I'm not quite sure why they would like a repeat performance, but I'm usually up for the challenge. I'm fighting a mild depression today (you might want to stop reading here Mel) as for some reason I have been dwelling AGAIN on how much I hate that Mel doesn't live near us anymore. Mom really did have some good points this morning, and I am doing my best to dwell on them. Melody seems very happy with Mike, and settled into her married life and TRUST me that is what I want, but I can't help but feel left behind. It was like I was thinking.. we all set out in this life climbing up this mountain. Along the way there are many different twists and turns and stops and fast spots, but eventually you reach the top and begin your(much faster this time) descent down. I have definitely reached the top and have begun plummeting downward and it's just so weird to realize that her life has just barely begun and there is just so much I won't be able to see. And not because I'm where I am at in life, but because she simply isn't here....It's much worse than I pictured, and I pictured it kind of bad...and yet....life goes on. It's exactly as it should be. You raise your kids to be independent and to find their way in this world, and funny thing they do. It's her turn to marry, start her career as a teacher, probably start a family in a few years and then raise them to do the same thing. And so it all goes on and on. It's funny how I can TRULY be so happy for her, and sad for me all at the same time. I'm grateful for Jeff and my boys (all stuck right here with mom) and my WONDEROUS daughter-in-laws whom I love to pieces, and my grandchildren who bless my life with their precious little faces and voices. But for right now, today, I'm still doing my best to settle into the reality of my only daughter lives 1000 miles away. She's coming next week of course, and yet I'm already projecting ahead to when she will leave. VERY foolish and pointless I know as I rob myself of some of the pleasure of her actually being here, but it's where my heart goes no matter how I try to stop it. I am counting on EVENTUALLY it will seem totally regular and I will "move along" (as I always tell my kids) and stop my constant bawling over this turn in my life. I will look forward to her coming, cherish the time while she is here, and send her back to her home with Mike with a happy heart. Counting on it.......
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Mom, I'm sorry but this is just crap. You're 54. You've got a hell of a long time ahead of you and alot of life still to live. You could still do anything you wanted. You've still got your health, whether you believe you do or not. And you've still got your brain, it's no different than it was thirty years ago. Your possibilities at this point are endless. The only difference between you at 24 vs. you now is that you don't have kids to raise anymore. You now have more free time and more resources at your disposal than ever before. You're far, far, far better off than 98% of the people on the planet. You don't even have to work if you don't want to. Most people would kill to trade places with you and all you can do is mope? Snap out of it. You need to get over this depression and enjoy life. Life really isn't all that bad.
ReplyDeleteYou missed my point John which makes me wonder if others will as well. So much for my writing abilities Joe "writing so people can really understand what I am feeling"...haha It is NOT that I think that because I am on the downward road my life is over and I've nothing left...it's "possible" I've got a LONG LONG time left with endless possibilites of what I might do with my life....but it doesn't change the fact that I have reached the top and am flying downhill. Time goes faster and faster and faster all the time. And as you are going up there were times when time seemed to crawl or almost come to a standstill. And when you are 54 you will know how there is a HUGE difference between that and being 24....haha No one knows better than I either TRUST ME how furtunate I am, or how blessed. I know I have really nothing in this world to complain about. I truly have everything anyone can ever want or need on this earth to make them happy, starting with a God who is mighty and is ALWAYS there for me, and a family full of people who love me and I think I've made very clear how I feel about them. And while was feeling "mildly" depressed yesterday it does not mean I am in a "depression"....it just means exactly what I said....Mel living away from home period has been an adjustment for me. She was my last kid at home, my only daughter, and quite frankly one of my best friends. I loved hanging out with her and having her to chew with over a cup of coffee. And she has moved away and on with her life (as she most defintiely should have) and it is a big hole in my life. I think I would have had somewhat of a hard time adjusting to just that. But you add on she married and moved IMMEDIATELY 1000 miles away, it kind of pushed it over the top. And when I realized (which just hit me recently for some reason) that she won't be back (and I don't want her back here either) and she will be living out her life somewhere where I won't even really see her do it on any kind of a regular basis, it's just been much harder than I thought it would be. Maybe you have to be a mom to get it...I honestly believe that your being here has helped me quite a bit. God used this time in your life to benefit me..I think in many ways this is a case of "empyty nest"....it's what I've ALWAYS done with my life. Up till now it's been my focus and my point. I've been doing it since I was a mere 18 years old. I don't by any means think my life is over, but it is a BIG change for me. I have never been on this road since I was an adult. And I am defintely still trying to figure out where my new road is going to take me. I don't know if it is somewhere completely unexpected doing things I've never done before, or a comfortable familiar one full of grand kids now instead of kids. But either way this is very much a "MOM" thing, and a WOMAN thing, and you might have to be one of those to get it. haha I know you well enough, and your dad and your brothers well enough to know you don't want me upset and so you try and fix it with a "snap out of it" or a list of reasons why it's dumb...but it's not that easy though I have no doubt I will adjust and "move along" ...and life isn't not only all that bad, it's really quite wonderous....
ReplyDeleteThere is really nothing that can be said........a big part of this is Mel being gone and that is simply a fact. I could point out your many blessings, but I know you are well aware of them. All I can do is offer the only advice that has helped me thru some tough times of missing Michelle, when I tought I could not bear it any more. And that is two very simple things....first take it one day at a time. That sounds simple, but it actually works. Don't dwell on or think of all the things that the future MIGHT hold. You know as well as I do that life is always changing so fast and is constantly throwing us curves we never expected. For all of our predictions and assumptions, something different happens a lot of times anyways. Just wake up in the morning and think what am I doing today and then just do it. Second, stay busy. I could make suggestions, but you are very aware of all of the possiblities there are. Chuck is right, we still (technically) have a lot of time left and it is our choice how we spend it. Don't let the fact that their is one thing in your life that you have no control over (granted it is huge) cripple the rest of your life. We think we are at the mercy of so many things that happpen in our lives and that we are simply dodging around reacting. The truth is we do have one thing that is always true...... the decision of how we deal and it is a DECISION. The luckiest thing of all you have going on in your life is the Lord. He WILL help you get thru this. I do understand what you are saying about how you feel and feelings are never dumb they simply are what they are. I do know, that I hate to see you hurting like this, because it is a MOM and a WOMAN thing. Your child is your child forever and those felling only get stronger with the passing of time. I hope these coping ideas help you, because they did help me...................
ReplyDeleteP.S. I just chewed this all over with dad and I think he described it quite perfectly when he said what I was experiencing was a melancholic moment. And when you really think about it, that is what life it all about. It is full of it's highs and lows. Times where your heart can't contain all the joy you feel, times when your angry at the injustice that is all around us, times when laughter overwhelmes and consumes you, and times when you are sad, and nostalgic for what was and for what will never be. And I am all over the place recently and I believe it is because my life is changing, NOT ending, just changing...
ReplyDeleteYour right Di....it is the way to do it. One day at a time....How many of the things I stewed on in my life truly never happened anyway...Somehow in my gut I know I will settle in to what is, and be OK with it all. I just didn't expect it to hit me quite like it did...AND believe it or not from the way I sound right now, in some ways it is getting better. I have alot of time where I don't even really think about it and am busy and happy with everything else that is going on. But every once in a while it hits me, and I am just sad....But being busy is another good thing you are right because whenever I am is when I am at my best with it all. Thanks for your input. You always do "get me" and it's probably why you've always been one of my very best friends.....
ReplyDeleteSee mom, I wonder if you're really in touch with your feelings on this. You say you're not in a depression but it sounds that way to me. And do you think it's some kind of coincidence that Melody moves out and suddenly the the though occurs to you that your life is more than half over? I've got news for you, statistically speaking, your life was half over about 14 years ago.
ReplyDeleteThat having been said, there's no reason to feel like you're on the downhill. You've got a LONG time ahead of you, and you can do ANYTHING you want with it. It could be exciting, it could be an adventure. You're looking at it all wrong.
I'm not a woman and I'm not a mother, but it's also easier to see things sometimes in other people's lives than it is to identify what's going on in your own.
I've been saying it for a year now and I'll say it again... yes, you should do something new. You've become a creature of routines. When was the last time you did something new, just specifically because it was new? Years and years, I'd guess. You have limitless possibilities and I truly believe you're doing yourself a great misdeed if you don't take advantage of it. Write a book, learn to paint, volunteer some time, become a mentor to some little girl somewhere, go to a museum, learn Spanish... the world is GIGANTIC compared to what you're taking out of it right now.
Mel is gone, and its left a hole for all of us, but you can use this time positively if you want to.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you're just closing a chapter and reflecting and not depressed. I'm your son, I know you, we're too similar. You seem like you're on a depression jag.
No, I really don't think I am. I'm reaaly not depressed. I WAS in a depressive mood, but it was just a mood and it has passed. The truth of the matter is the only thing that ever really puts me there recently is when I dwell on her being gone. Answer...don't dwell...haha As far as me doing something new, I believe your right....and it "might" be an attempt at a book. Which means I have to figure out some way of sitting on here for a great length of time without making my back flip out.....and if you know me so well, surely you realize there is a GREAT deal of melancholy in me....and I've ALWAYS been slow to change....and I reflect back on life more than most....it's just me.
ReplyDelete