Monday, May 25, 2009

LINGERING ON THE MOMENTS.....





Well, another busy week-end has come and gone. I love having 3 days in a week-end, and wish it could happen a lot more than it does...It's what it really takes to both get something constructive done, and still have plenty of time to do just plain old nothing.

I've decided I have reached a point in my life where all I do a great deal of the time is analyze things and access where I am at in my life now, and look back at where I was before. Sometimes I travel back years ago in my mind, and sometimes just a little while back. Sometimes, but rarely, I proceed ahead to what "might" be, but that doesn't seem to catch my interest nearly as much...It occurred to me this morning as I sat musing, that when I was younger I ALWAYS looked forward in my mind, wondering just where I might end up someday, or if things would ever change and I would morph into this person I've always intended to be. But not so much any more. I guess I've finally accepted, I am who I am....

I was thinking this morning, that just a short year ago at this time I was knee deep in final wedding preparations for Melody' wedding. As I recall, just about now I was somewhat hysterical as I was frantically trying to figure out just who was coming for sure and get them all arranged on a seating chart. I can't tell you how many times I did and re-did that little chore. With nearly 195 people scheduled to come, it was an overwhelming job. We were also in the midst of running back and forth to the dress shop trying to get Melody's dress to fit like the glove we both could "see" in our minds, and we had yet to actually see a completed bridesmaid dress. Right in the middle of it all, we stopped ever so briefly and attempted to celebrate what was really a HUGE event in her life, and yet somehow despite our best efforts, got somewhat swept to the side. Her college graduation. I do re-call the day well. It was BOILING....to start with. I am talking a good 106 degrees....Jeff and I and Mel arrived at the university and met Jimmy and Larissa and began the LONG walk to the seating area. Mel joined her class and we found our seats amongst the thousands and thousands of parents, grandparents and friends crowding the area. There were graduations going on all over the campus, as the kids graduate according to their degrees. I stupidly found that surprising, though thinking about it I realized it was the only way it could have been done. Over 40,000 people attended the college that year, and many thousands were receiving their diplomas that day. Her area was right smack in the middle of the grass area, with the boiling sun directly over our heads. It wasn't long and we were all sweating profusely, and looking for something to drink. But suddenly the music began and the graduates began their march into the seats set aside for them. We finally spotted Mel, and waving frantically, we got her attention. And it hit me. My baby was graduating from college. She had finally made it. All the years and years of drilling, studying and tests were finally coming to a close. She stood before us a grown young woman with her degree in her hand, and her whole life full of possibilities before her. I became quite emotional. I wasn't prepared for that. For months and months all I had been able to think of was GET THIS OVER WITH.....Her final year was sooo difficult. Full of scheduling conflicts, internships, papers, tests, lectures and work. In between time she flew back and forth to New Mexico to see her fiance, and spent as much time as she could with her girlfriends she was about to move away from. With any left over minutes we planned her wedding. She enjoyed her wedding showers and her bachelorette week-end in a blur. We shopped for her honeymoon and began to pack up her room. And now suddenly here we were. It was all over. I remember thinking at the time, there is no time to dwell on this, no time to let myself go and cry in both happiness and sadness that this was happening. I thought to myself, I will think about all this later, when there is time. We had her celebration luncheon and quickly moved on to the all consuming wedding bonanza. The wedding is another whole day that I occasionally go back to in my mind, and slowly linger on each moment, remembering the little details I didn't have time to focus on at the moment. But that's another day and another blog. Today, right now, I am thinking that she accomplished something I never did. Has the ability to teach which is something I always dreamed about doing, and yet never could. But it is all happening to her and yet sooo far away from me. As I sat talking to her today and she chatted away about her new friends who I've heard so much about that they have become quite familiar to me, and yet I've never even met all of them, it occurred to me for the millionth time recently, that she is really gone. She and Mike are making plans for their future, the home they hope to have, and the kids they want to raise, and I won't really be a part of it all. Not a big part anyway. It made we wish I hadn't rushed so through that final year. Hadn't wished we could just get through things and move ahead. Instead I wish I had focused and dwelt on what was happening at that moment. Melody was graduating from college and all her years of school were coming to a close. It was a LONG LONG road, and full of many, happy wonderful memories I will never forget.... From her very first day of Kindergarten, as a sweet faced little baby waving good bye to me, her eyes somewhat fearful, to the beautiful, confident young woman she had grown into receiving her degree that day. I am sooo proud of you Melody, and I don't think I ever even told you that on that day. How sad....but I am, and I am saying it now. And again, it is really being imprinted on my heart recently, I am going to spend the rest of my life lingering on the moments that come along, and cherish each one to it's fullest. I promise I will....

3 comments:

  1. I loved your post. The pics of Mel are so good. That cake was one of Kristi's best! Even tho' we don't necessarily get to enjoy every moment of an event as it happens, we have limitless time to dwell and relive it after and pictures really add to that feel. You could scrapbook all of Mel's events last year and then be able to dwell to your heart's content....

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  2. it's a good idea...I need to get right on that...haha I have done it "kind of" with my smilebox slide shows....kind of hassily but not as much as getting pics, and scrapbooking them together...the books are such a stun though...but I've never finished even one I've started... : (

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I am so glad that you would take the time to comment on my thoughts and feelings, it is such a blessing to me!