BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING

Tonight I am feeling a little down. Not defeated, nor depressed, nor hopeless, nor sorry for myself. Just a little down. I am already weary of this journey, and I have barely begun...

Yesterday I went to see the Cardiologist...It went OK I guess...I actually felt pretty calm (for me) and my blood pressure while a little elevated was still normal....THANK YOU LORD...But after I described my palpitations etc., it seemed as if little to nothing was changed. She ordered a couple of tests. One I did today, and the other I am not going to do....I am not going to bore you with all of the details as to why I am choosing not to do this test....I am just NOT going to do it....I think my doc (or he hasn't said anything YET) is going to let this fly....we will see. And then today I went to the surgeon.  It started with my blood pressure going through the roof unfornately. SIGH...   He had both good and bad things to say I guess is the only way to describe it....He started by saying my kind of cancer is totally curable. Definitely good news. Then he went on to say that the cancer is extensive....YES....that was the word he used EXTENSIVE....Not exactly the way my doc explained it to me. I am not sure how "early stages" could be EXTENSIVE....However, he went on to say that it is NON INVASIVE...which of course is very good news....However (why must there ALWAYS be however) he also said that while they did MANY biopsy's ALL of which showed NON INVASIVE cancer, that there is still a slim chance that MAYBE there COULD BE some that isn't....Now, he REALLY doubts this, but he has to present it, as it "could" be...Then he went on to say a mastectomy is necessary....He also basically told me that a double mastectomy is what he thinks should be done...Not because he thinks there is any cancer in the other one, but because he feels there is a GOOD chance that there could eventually be. The old better safe now, than sorry later...He told me of course it was totally my decision and whichever one I chose (single or double) he would honor my choice. Well it didn't take long for my husband, myself and my sister Diane to quickly decide a double would be what I went for. I have scheduled it for Friday, June 4th. IF I do a double mastectomy and IF there is no sign of invasive cancer after the mastectomy’s, and IF there is no sign of cancer in my lymph nodes, THEN that will be the end of it....NO chemo, and NO radiation. I will have a 97% chance of the cancer NEVER returning...Pretty good odds I am thinking. If there is some invasive cancer, or lymph nodes, then chemo will happen he says....He told me flat out not to worry about it as he felt as certain as he could that it would not be the case....And yet, my mind keeps wanting to travel down that road...WHAT IF?? I have already fallen into the small percentage of women who have had a biopsy that ended the way mine did. Why not this? But it also comes back to the same thing I have told myself from the very beginning. I either believe that the Lord holds my life in His hands ~ or I don't. I either believe He will walk me through this from beginning to end NO MATTER what the outcome might be ~ or I don't. And in the end, I chose to believe He will see me through. It may not go exactly as I would like it to. It may not have the outcome I desire. But He WILL NEVER leave me or forsake me. His Word stands true and never falters. He LOVES me, He will care for me, and He is Lord...Tomorrow I see the oncologist...I DON'T WANT TO GO....I want to wait till after the surgery and see if an oncologist is even necessary....I don't want to hear any more bad news. I don't want to know more details. I want to NOT think about all of this for awhile. But my doc encouraged me to go. To listen to all that is said and be as informed as I can be. Soo, I will trudge off. I won't lie...I am NOT a happy camper...I am feeling a little weary already.

Meanwhile, I decided to focus tonight on some of the blessings I can see. Our new home is nearing the end of escrow already. It should close June 3. The day BEFORE my surgery which means I will be able to sign all the final papers and go on the walk through...Praise God for this... I feel truly blessed and I am VERY EXCITED over it all. I am thankful that I have managed to pick out tile, carpet, paint, appliances, and a BEAUTIFUL new bedding and quilt etc., for our room. I am thankful it will all be going in while I recover. I am thankful that I will have at least 3 weeks and maybe 4 before we actually move following the surgery. Should almost be back good as new. I am thankful for MANY helping hands to get all of this done. I am especially thankful to my two wonderful sisters Diane and Danae who have been here for me and supported me and laughed with me and cried with me. I am thankful as always for my wonderful husband that I just don't know what I'd ever do without. I am thankful for all of my friends and all of you who mean more to me than I could ever explain. I am thankful that my Melly is coming to be with me. I am not sure when but I pray we have at least a couple of days BEFORE the surgery to enjoy. And I am thankful that my son James is to teach tomorrow night (Wed.) at the mid-week service at his church. I will go if I can work it out with all of my appointments. But if not, then I am thankful I can catch it LIVE on-line. If any of you would like to hear him go to their website at 7:00 pm http://maranathachapel.org/ and tune into their live webcast. So, as you can see as always there is much to be thankful for. And now my spirits have calmed and I am again feeling His peace. His Word never comes back void...

Phl 4:6,7 & 8 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things.