Friday, January 11, 2013


I am one of those people (I like to think anyway) who tries as hard as she can to look for the positive, dwell on the blessings, and set my mind on eternal things that mean the most.  I don't like to admit (outside of my private prayer life) when I am feeling down, or overwhelmed, or just outright depressed.  What's the point?  I DON'T like pity, I DON'T like to wallow in self, and I definitely don't like to feel ungrateful for the abundant blessings I know my God pours out to me everyday.  BUT!  I guess every once in a while, "things" (my negative emotions I think I am referring to) spill out of their boxes where I keep them sometimes neatly sitting on a closet shelf all tied up with a bow.  They flop around on the floor out of control, until I manage to get them all swept up and collected again and back in their proper place on the shelf.   In the meantime they sit there, just waiting for me to acknowledge them I guess, when I stupidly open the closet door and let them out.  Seems like an obvious conclusion doesn't it?  DON'T open the door.  Let the Lord control that closet.  Set my mind whatsoever things are good as suggested in Philippians 4:8

Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things. 

But I have also discovered that I have found too that sometimes I need to just air the closet out a bit so to speak.  Let myself just go ahead a feel down, sad, or depressed, and after a while, leave them at the feet of Jesus where they belong,

All this to say....I HATE my daughter living in another state, WITH my grandkids now, 1000 miles away from me and the rest of my family.  I simply HATE it!!  I HATE that my family has not been all together in over a year and won't be for ANOTHER whole year at least.   I hate that I have finally realized (slow thinker sometimes) that THIS is just simply my new reality.  While I enjoy a wonderfully close relationship with my daughter, usually talking everyday, she will not EVER really be a part of my everyday life.  She will not be around to be at most (if any) of the family get togethers and functions, we will not lunch together, shop together, grab a cup of coffee, sit and watch her kids play and enjoy life, and the list just goes on and on.  I would love to have her go with me to see my mom once in a while, attend church together, see a "girly" movie etc. occasionally.  I want her kids to KNOW their cousins and play together with the rest of them excited to see each other when the time comes.   I guess you get my point.  I WANT her to live near us!  Never in a million years did it ever occur to me that my daughter would live far away from me.  How exactly did this happen?!  I HATE when she has been here and she leaves because the closet door opens, everything falls out of the box, and I am busy this morning sweeping up the floor.  AND!  As soon as I finish getting things organized around here I will drive over to the hospital and visit and care for my mom.  The doc did change her meds back to what they were, so HOPEFULLY that will bring a change for the better really soon.  I soo want her out of there and back here and settled and being her old self.  Everything little thing about that nursing home is soo depressing.  To watch all those sweet souls as they sit around in wheels chairs, desperate for some sort of attention and focus is just soo overwhelming.  And finally I talked to my sister Diane this morning who caught me up on Michelle's first chemo experience.  So far Michelle is doing OK, though VERY tired and nauseated etc.  Meanwhile my poor sister has her hands soo full with the 3 children and caring for Michelle, and everything she needs to do.  Wish I lived close enough to be of some help to her.

Sooo, guess that is it for now.  I know my God is faithful and His Mercy and grace will bring me through this mood and to the other side where I will again focus on my MANY MANY blessings, so sorry for this complaining, whining post.  See the post below this to hear all the highlights, perks, and happy moments of this last week.

Enjoy your week-end, and hopefully this afternoon I will get around to visiting you all!


  1. It's when we're honest with Him that He can take care of the problem, isn't it?

    Thank you for letting us know that the doctor is switching the meds back for your mom. May this be just what she needs to get her back to herself again.

    Many blessings to you and may things start looking up!

  2. My daughter lives in California (I'm in Indiana) so I fully understand. They don't have kids yet but that will make it even harder when they do.

    Be thankful for all the easy ways to keep in touch now!

  3. Trying to do some catching up today, read your last post and oh! how precious to see Mel and her family! Praying that your Mom will adjust to the meds.

    I completely empathize with you on all of the questions in the closet, and once in a while mine push their way out and I find myself doing some sweeping, with many tears. One thing I have found is the faithfulness of God is always there, and that He understands and knows me better than anyone, and for that I am most thankful.
    Praying of you.

  4. Debbie,
    I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. If my girls ,or son lived far away, I would be distraught!!!! You have a lot going on in your life right now, and I am sure you are feeling very overwhelmed.
    I hope your Mom is much better with her meds changed now.
    And I think of Michelle ALL the time. Are they having to go down the hill for her treatment? She will continue to be in my prayers, as will you and your family.

  5. Dear Debbie, Thank you for being so transparent. I do understand your feelings about Mel being so far away-I haven't walked through this but my heart would break if I had to live long distance from any of our grands. Love you dear friend!

  6. Well, I definitely "get it." Our daughter is 13 hours away and she's lived away from us for 10 years and I don't like it at all. But, we have had to adjust and we're just glad that we get to see her as often as we do, but like you said, there's no lunch dates, no shopping partner and on and on. I think it should be a law that families all live nearby. :o)

  7. Debbie
    I know just how you feel. I have one daughter and so far she's never lived close. When I was working I only got to see her and her children twice a year. Not at all what I had invisioned for our relationship at all.
    I still live in a dream land that someday she'll move close to us!
    But until then we just do the best we can.
    It's good to release those pent up feelings though, like you said, and lay it at the Lords feet again.

  8. Dear Debbie, it's perfectly ok to prove we're human. The good thing is God made us and understands every emotion. I'm sure it must grieve you to be so far from your daughter. I would feel the same way. And I can't think of a more depressing place than a nursing home. We feared my dad would have to go to one during his recovery from his fall, but thank the Lord he came home, and my husband and I are able to be here and offer emotional and physical support.

    I will pray for you.

  9. Oh Debbie,
    I am glad you shared that. Yes, God has you in the waiting room. I know how hard it is about your daughter. I feel like sometime I am living with a time bomb because I know mine could be possible be moving at any time and so I wait. Trying to focus on what I have now.
    I totally understand about your kids not being together at once. It just breaks my heart to know what you are going through with your Mom.
    I know God is with you and it will work out. I will continue to pray for you.

  10. Debbie
    i hear your heart, it has to be soooo hard to have Mel so far away. I am thankful that we have or grandchildren close but it doesn't stop me from missing the one son who lives out of state. You have a lot on your plate right now, I will be keeping you in prayer

  11. I came here this morning because since my birthday I have only seen blue skies and I can't seem to knock out the self pity...even though I am trying and rejoicing over all that is wonderful and good and praise worthy. All that to touched my heart, your spilling expressed some of my you say so many times,"it is what it is"..and like it or not it is my life.

    I send you hugs...your plate has been very full for a long time...and I praise you for spilling...because in so doing I was blessed.

    I see so many in scripture do the same..just reading Psalms and David spilled his heart about Job?

    Hugs and praying for you...I totally get it!!

  12. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about things. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.


I am so glad that you would take the time to comment on my thoughts and feelings, it is such a blessing to me!